|to sleep - perchance to dream
||[17 Jun 2016|04:01am]
bring in the rain. the tempest awaits the winds. I long for the breath I breathe out never to breathe in again. the tempest is here. it screams 'tween my ears. beckoning the night to swollow me whole. my head 'tween my legs naked abandoned by light - the darkness blinds my soul. it cries - a mere sigh drowned amidst tempest wild.
mourn for the day that never came and the night that fell too soon.
im here now im lost.
till I wake up to the calm at the end of a long day.
the hollow beckons my tired eyes to sleep.
ay, there's the rub!...
||[26 Apr 2016|11:59pm]
A hint of you would have set my day of all else clear. A wish from you would have given life to another year. A smile from you could have been the breath of me.
Lost along the way, amidst strange faces and voices unknown - not mine not yours. But theirs. The noises without keep us apart while within I hear and see you as clear as we always did.
If only you'd look beyond the noise -
A whisper awaits your breath.
A word from you would hush all that's without.
||[13 Dec 2015|12:00am]
Words remain mere words and they don't come easy to my mind anymore. But words find their true meaning when truly meant.
Some words that frequent my mind that only find their truth through you...
Kindness as kind as your eyes
Patience as patient as your tears
Courage when it meets your will
Strength when it finds your heart
Mother, the glow in Shahmeen's eye
Friend, the light that never goes out
Smile, when it lingers on your lips
Happiness, the sound of your laughter
Comfort, the sound of your footsteps
Song, each time you breathe out
Life, when lived with you
Day, 13th December till eternity
Night, that gives way to a bright day
Fate, when flows in your hand
Faith, the truth in you
Truth, the life in you
Trust that gives sight to the blind
Purity, as pure as your soul
Light, that sets us free of darkness
And the one word that I dare not utter
Yet the word that finds its existence
Only through you:
Love, you are love when truly loved
Through you I found meaning to so much and more. I pray to God that today brings peace, hope and love to this world as today is the birthday of the most blessed of souls. MashAllah. Stay blessed. Ameen. Happy birthday.
||[28 May 2015|10:29am]
is it here? i thought it was gone. left it outside my door. who let it in? left the door open? when? creeping in on me yet again. i just stood up to fall yet again? on a tight rope of hope. not mine but theirs. i just got out and its here staring me in the face yet again.
i tried. its much too strong. i cant stand up against it. i cant run away from it. i cant hide. its there, inside of me. and no matter how hard i try to keep it in, it finds a way out.
i cant. i am not that strong. no use struggling. just let it pass. through me. crash into me. and out my being. over and over. breaking me into peices. scattered. yet again.
losing myself as i watch myself losing you. yet again.
yet again... i fall.
||[13 Mar 2015|02:12am]
to count the 12,
I have to make up for the 4
4 lost to bouts of mania
will count them 8 for now
till i come up again
with the 4 i lost and
regain all that's stolen
and add an eternity to all
numbers, do they count?
or is it those amidst it
who suffer? bouts of mania
counting days till it ends
this person is lost in you
as you she lost in numbers
she breathes with disgust at her
loss of time lost, stolen away
if only she could go back and
come back to you afresh
without regrets and manias
anew with love she always had.
she can not move or breathe
without your love
she'll perish at the loss
she will not be anymore
be kind be patient be love
she only loves you as love
you once loved her true
let her make up for time lost
"love each other or perish"
i love and yet i die
as I long for a word
a word of love from you.
||[12 Mar 2015|11:22pm]
could love diminish?
evaporate... lose color?
is it that or is it me?
maybe i lost color
maybe i am no more
love is there
love doesn't go anywhere
its people who evaporate
i feel it within and without
i can smell it and touch it.
the love i feel is too much
for it to go unnoticed or lie
i am in love and i have been
this way since then to now
its not mine to rid of
nor yours to hault
it came and stayed
and it wont go away
i breathe through it
and for you it speaks
it speaks through it all
i'm sorry but its not me
but love that speaks
within and out loud
it echoes inside of me
and goes on after i'm gone.
i'm here and i am in love.
please don't be sad
don't be upset, don't hush me
i wont break your silence
i love your silence and
how it speaks volumes...
sans words. i feel it
in the depths of my soul
you speak with silence
of love that's there
of you and me.
i wont break your silence
i hear you in your silence
speak of all you desire
but don't hush my soul
it desires yours
and so it speaks, not I
|ghayr ka dhoka mujh ko na dayna...
||[12 Mar 2015|03:00am]
lift the veil of grief
run a mile with the wind
aflight the ocean of life
you are that dove, my love
close to home
far from elsewhere
the without unveils
love, the truth within
that's you that is you
have always been and will be
you. true to me. to you i will be
true to you as always and forever
nothing to mourn no more
nothing to hide or look away for
i am here as always you are in me
spread those wings of love of desire
let me in so never to let me out
let me in and so never let me be
let me in inside of you, my all
let me spread my wings again
You have always been I as I you
true as one and as I one true to
begin at you as have been true
for never ending at I but at you.
||[02 Mar 2015|11:35pm]
I don’t think everything a bipolar says is made up. There are words which others say – people who aren’t bipolar. And so at times all you need to do is state facts, instead of apologizing for reacting to their words. But I am sorry I am bipolar.
Beenish says to not be so self-blaming. stop!
but how can i not... when everyone thinks i've done them wrong. leave or not to leave?
i will, i should, as that is the only question in the way.
Because i'm exhausted, my head, my soul, my body - exhausted. 'cause of all the Oh ifs … and more oh ifs… and the what ifs... and then the ok ifs... and have to and do not have to... to have or not to have/ the do and don't
love? no love. the love is there. Might be there. not there. The acceptance is there. is it? There is no love without acceptance and thus no understanding and so no love.
and I am bipolar and and I need to apologize for having moods like everyone else but mine are after all extreme. But do I need hospitalization? Dr. Nusrat says I don’t… so I don’t know maybe I should hospitalize myself because I am bipolar. I’m ill. And ill people belong in hospitals.
Sarcasm? No. not at all. I’m very calm and serious right now. And I’m thinking clearly.
I believe I have an illness but Do I need to be apologetic for it all the time?
well I guess lets list down the all that is and is not...
1. I am not and have never placed any blame on anybody for it
2. I am not insane, although people take my moods as insanity
3. I don’t believe I have control over my reactions
4. I also take responsibility for my words and actions and so my reactions
5. Suicide is not an option anymore.
6. i'm on medication, but whether I’m on them or off I have had manic, depressed or mixed episodes
7. So I don’t really believe in this science, sorry
8. I think its my soul which is not at peace.
9. I think if I let it go I will be free of it and everyone will be free of me and my moods
10. Letting go of it would mean taking a path away from all else.
11. But then if its not my soul and if it is a disease then the cure's not working
12. so whether i leave or stay stays the same.
13. i can not stay.
Natasha says tigu i'm not giving up on you and i expect the same in return.
But i dont have anything left... never had... never belonged natasha. never did. i'm tired my friend.
(all the kind seens and sheens :), the alifs and daals, the meems, ayns and for all the loving and loved ones, the beautiful souls, i have nothing more. but gratitude. and the ra, i have endless gratitude)
And all will be ok and so everyone shall be fine…
(want or not to want? did i ever? and can i ever? i cant anymore)
[Kisi ka bhi dil hai kisi ki bhi hai marzi, tum ne jhanka hai kya us mai?
Jo tera khuda hai woh mera khuda hai,
tera kehna na manay tau kyun mujhay saza hai?]
(But then is there a god?)
Maybe. For you. For me. That same god is different.
I leave all else to you and yours.
||[28 Feb 2015|03:11am]
"you are like an oasis in a desert............ desert of my being has found you and i can breathe now
my lips are wet again
you gave meaning to my existence"
i wish you find your oasis again.
the meaning to your beautiful existence is you not i... i am a battered soul.. a desert... not an oasis. a barren land with no life. until you gave it life... you poured your water of love... pure love and made me live again. i love you. i thank you.
may Allah never keep your lips dry..
always and forever indebted to you. my love my only love.
|ki jaanrra mai kaunr...
||[25 Feb 2015|02:41am]
us Rab nu manarran okha nayi, do nafl parrho rab man janda ...
je yaar kissay da rus javay, nach nach ke manauran painda ay.....
te...kanjri banrdi meri izat na ghatdi... ja ve ja mainu yaar manawarr de.
mainu yar manawarr vayl nayi das rab nu manawan kis vayle
maahi da tasavar tutda nayi das dasbi halavan kis vayle
parr parr ilm kitaban walay naam rakhayo kazi
Macca ja kar hajj kar ayo naam rakhayo haji
bulleh shah ne kuj nayi keeta... yaar nu keeta raazi...
bulleh bulleh bulleh.... mai naam rakhayo bulleh.
نمی دانم کہ آخر چوں دمِ دیدار می رقصم
مگر نازم بایں ذوق کہ پیشِِ یار می رقصم
تو ھر دم می سرائی نغمہ و ھر بار می رقصم
بہر طرزِ كہ می رقصانیم اے یار می رقصم
کہ عشقِ دوست ہر ساعت دروں نار می رقصم
گاہےبر خاک می غلتم , گاہے بر خار می رقصم
بیا جاناں تماشا کن کہ درانبوہ جانبازاں
بصد سامانِ رسوائی سرِ بازار می رقصم
خوش آ رندی کہ پامالش کُنم صد پارسائی را
زہے تقوٗی کہ من با جبّہ و دستار می رقصم
تو آں قاتل کہ از بہرِ تماشہ خون من ریزی
منم بسمل کہ زیرِ خنجرِ خونخوار می رقصم
منم عثمان مروندیؔ كہ یارِ شیخ منصورم
ملامت می کُند خلقِ و من بردار می رقصم
so may i be called Bulleh, the friend of Shahbaz Qalandar... and I shall dance on till my feet bleed.
till i find my way home.